There is music in my head... I just wanna dance.

Can't study, f**k.

Life at 23 vs. 21

I was reading my old entries, and came across December 22, 2006, my post about new beginnings. It’s a year and a half later now, and I’ve changed so much.

Everything is always beautiful in the beginning, everything about that post was brimming with anticipation and hope, there were so many things to look forward to. I don’t think it crossed my mind at that time that every beginning also has an end.

I feel so much older now. I think more and more I’m just afraid of change, afraid to start new things, and just wanting to hang on to the old, the past. I just wanna stay a kid forever, I wanna be fearless, with no reserves, and I wanna feel like anything is possible. 

More and more I understand why adults think and act their certain way.. cuz I am getting there. More and more I feel like I am tired of experiencing things, to avoid pain. I'm weary of feeling emotions, and wish I could just feel content and nothing else. I think back then, I would always choose to go for it, and screw consequences. It also feels like back then, it was much easier to get back up on my feet whenever something bad happened.

I never realized I was as naïve as people said until now. I just wanna go back to being that way.  I don’t wanna second guess myself and what I believe are the best things in life.

I don't want endings, and you know you are too old when you start to agree that things are only beautiful and memorable when there's an end. Screw that, I don't wanna believe that.

It’s true, I am losing hope, does anyone know how to get it back?

Sundays... Blah

Sunday is really not my favorite day of the week..

I don’t like the feeling of getting ready to be back in the weekday routine. As the fun from the weekend starts winding down, everything just starts to feel like a drag..

I remember ever since highschool I always hated Sundays. I usually would’ve procrastinated all weekend and a pile of homework would be waiting for me on Sunday night. When I went to college, in freshman year, I hated Sundays because of those dreadful chem 101 problem sets. I think they were always due at midnight and I would never start until after dinner, and end up freaking out and begging Wendy for help. Not to mention Sunday was laundry day.

So even to this day, although I don’t have to deal with school anymore, and I have laundry in my apt unit, I just can’t relax and enjoy my Sunday. It’s always hanging over my head that tomorrow is Monday. Today especially sucked. It was a beautiful sunny day and I kept thinking that if Yosuke were here, it would’ve definitely been ten times more beautiful. We would usually do something fun and chill, either going to Newbury or just walk around together and enjoy as much day light as we can.

It has been almost 2 full weeks since Yosuke left Boston. Yes, now I’m in a long distance relationship. I always thought I could never do this and told myself I would avoid doing long distance at all costs. But I am actually doing much better than I ever expected. I used to think talking on the phone will just emphasize the distance and make me miss him more, but it’s the complete opposite. It’s comforting to hear his voice and just a couple minutes on the phone reassures me we’re ok. Funny how I can’t predict myself at all.

Life these days.. is just too much.

I feel a bit overwhelmed right now.

Ups and downs all the time...   I can’t adjust that quickly…

All these things that are going rough for me, isn’t it enough just to deal with only one?

Mom’s health, my own health, boyfriend leaving, busy season at work, problems with friends…

And it’s easy to not face any of it because I can just ignore it and do things that make me happy.

Really, it’s too much.